Post by mm on Nov 13, 2007 0:56:08 GMT -5
Act I
Scene 1: A tour bus speeds through the darkened countryside. A chorus of musical snores fills the air.
Scene 2: A cold, misty morning, just before dawn, in Philadelphia. We pan by a row of apartments, then zoom in through a window.
Voice: Eeeeeeeeeeek, I’m calling the cops!
Scene 2 (revisited): We zoom back out to the street and pan on to the apartment next door. We peek carefully through the window first, THEN zoom in. A girl is sleeping in the bed. The tousled covers make it clear that she’s had a restless night. A shrill alarm fills the air.
Maureen: (whacks alarm) Oh, I slept so horribly last night. I kept dreaming about all of the things that could go wrong today. Lifehouse scheduled a last-minute show at The Venue on my birthday and all I can think about is my jinx. The Venue is only a block from my apartment and the show was scheduled so recently that there shouldn’t be radio winners, plus it seems that Jason is feeling better, but I can’t help thinking that something will go wrong and I will once again be denied my spot in the front row and chance to talk with Jason.
Author: Sorry for making you say all of that first thing in the morning, but I need to set the stage quickly.
Maureen: S’okay.
The birthday girl gets ready for her long wait in line. She gathers a warm blanket, a snack, and some activities to pass the time. As dawn breaks, we see her closing the door to her apartment.
Scene 3: Philadelphia street scene. Maureen closes the door to her apartment building and walks down the street to The Venue. The sidewalk in front of the south-facing building (a good thing on a cold day) looks freshly washed and Maureen settles in.
Maureen: Thanks, author, it’s nice to sit on a vomit-free sidewalk.
Author: You’re welcome, I’m setting a “good day” mood here.
Maureen: Great! Unless, of course, this is just a plot device to make a bigger contrast wtih the devastation to come.
Author: Would I do that!?
Maureen frowns, but knows that the author wouldn’t give her a bad story on her birthday, and the smile returns to her face. She spreads out her blanket and starts working on her mysterious line-waiting activities. Time speeds by as we see the sun rising higher in the beautiful, blue sky.
Maureen (yawning): Ohhh, it’s 11 already and nobody else is here. The sun feels so warm and nice; I think I’ll take a nap.
She wraps herself in her blanket and settles down on the sidewalk, then quickly falls asleep.
Scene 4: Interior of the tour bus from Scene 1. Approximately 11:30 am. The bus is pulling up to The Venue. Jason is sitting at the table in the back of the bus. He’s secretly trying to master Guitar Hero III, so he can be the winner at SOMETHING. He glances up and out of the window.
Jason: Oh, no!
He runs to the nearest door and flings it open.
Rick: Dang it, Jason, the lock doesn’t work!
Jason: (closes door quickly, then says quietly) I didn’t see anything. I didn’t see anything. I didn’t see anything.
Ben wanders down the hall.
Ben: I thought the bathroom lock didn’t work on our last bus, not this one.
Jason: That WAS the old bus, but apparently it’s a chronic tour bus problem.
Rick exits bathroom.
Rick: What was so important you had to disturb me in the reading room?
Jason: I saw the writer! She’s sleeping outside The Venue and she’s first in line! Do we have a radio meet and greet scheduled?
Rick: No, this show was a last minute gig, so we didn’t have time to get anything set up.
Jason: Get Bryce, he’ll know somebody who can fix this!
Bryce has heard all of the commotion and stumbles down the hall.
Bryce: Unhh.
Jason: The writer is outside The Venue and she’s the only one there and there aren’t any meet and greets scheduled. How can we keep her out of front row!?
Bryce: Uhhh, uhn, grr, hmm.
Ben: I agree with Bryce and his authentic rocker gibberish. What do you have against the writer? She’s a great hugger.
Jason: What!! A few hugs don’t make up for the hell she’s put me through over the years. Are you forgetting the bus crash in “Dude, Where’s Our Gig?” It took forever to replace the crew after that one. Then she turned us into walking brainless muppet dolls in “Revenge of the Chucks.”
Rick: Oh, man, that was scary. My butterfly saved me, though!
Jason: Riggght. Then the evil monkey minions forced us to play polka tunes in “Writer’s Block.” I still have a rash from that polyester suit. She forced my cousin to kill Ean in “Trick or Treat” and now my aunt won’t speak to me.
Ben: We HAD to hit your cousin with the car. He was after us! Besides, she isn’t your favorite aunt.
Jason: We spent Christmas at the police station with a crazy Santa and some scary biker dudes in “The Night Santa Went Crazy.”
Bryce: Hey, those biker dudes weren’t too scary. I’m pen pals with a couple of them now and they convinced me to buy a bike. We’re gonna ride together when they get out of jail.
Jason: The worst was when I had to work as J-Dizzle. She had me wearing boxers and everyone knows I go commando!
Rick: Fo shizzle, bro.
Jason: So you can see that she’s bad news. I’m not getting off the bus until something is done. (stamps his foot and pouts)
Rick: You have to eat or you’ll get sick again. I’ll make burgers.
Ben: How can you make burgers on a tour bus? We don’t have a kitchen.
Rick: Hey, I brought my George Foreman grill for emergencies and this definitely qualifies!
Bryce: I’ll start calling my contacts to set up a big meet and greet. If you still decide you can’t get off the bus, I could always fill in for you tonight. The fans like me, you know.
Ben: The fans like ALL of us, in a group. We need to solve this problem. I’m going to do a little thinking, while you all run around. Now, everybody get started!
The scene fades out on a flurry of activity.
Act II
Scene 1: Back at the front of the venue. It’s now 5:30 and Maureen is waking up. While she was sleeping a large line formed behind her.
Maureen: Oh no, what am I going to do with my blanket and other stuff? I can’t go back home now without losing my place in line.
Author: I’m parked right in front of The Venue, you can put your things in my car.
Maureen: Good thing you were here.
Author: Umm, I have to be here to write the story.
Maureen: Oh, right. (Turns to next person in line) You haven’t seen any trace of radio meet and greeters have you?
Next Person In Line: No. (Extras are paid by the word, so they don’t get to say much.)
Maureen: Doors are at 6, so I think we’re going to be fine.
Just then a van screeches to a halt in front of The Venue. It’s a radio station van! The doors open and people start to pour out, just like one of those little clown cars, only not so scary. They all have VIP meet and greet passes around their necks. Tears begin to stream down Maureen’s cheeks. Are they tears of anger or tears of sadness?
Scene 2: Inside of The Venue, looking out.
Bryce: Hey, my phone call worked. Now Jase can come out of the bus, dang it. I mean, YAY.
Ben: But look at the writer. She’s so sad.
Bryce: Wow, she is sad. I feel like such a heel. I’m going to fix this.
Bryce grabs an extra meet and greet pass from the radio man, puts on a disguise, and heads toward the door.
Scene 3: Back out front and then back inside and then on the bus and then back inside - the author is tired of making up scenes
Bryce has disguised himself as a homeless person. He shuffles along the line, asking for spare change. When he reaches the head of the line -
Bryce: Can you spare some change for a beer?
Maureen: Even though I’m currently drowning in despair, I’ll give you a dollar, because that’s the swell kind of person I am.
Bryce: Wow, I’m glad I’m taking this chance, even though I’ll get fired if he finds out.
Maureen: What?
Bryce: Never mind, just take this pass. May it serve you well.
Maureen: Huh?
Bryce heads back into The Venue to buy himself some beer with the $7.28 he collected from the fans waiting in line.
Ben: Whoa, guess you’ll be okay when Jason fires you for sabotaging his plan.
Bryce: Yeah, if you’ve got your beer, you’ve got everything. Hey, here come the meet and greeters. Put on your happy, interested face!
Ben: Hey, I don’t have to put on ANY faces. I get to go hang in the bus until show time. Have fun! (Chuckles to himself as he walks away) It’s not all bad not being an official member of the band.
The radio meet and greeters start entering The Venue. Maureen decides she doesn’t want to take any chances and heads straight for the barricade, bypassing the autograph line. Lifehouse chats and signs, signs and smiles, smiles and chats. The rest of the meet and greeters head over to line the barricade, but Maureen is first and has exactly the spot she wants! She smiles in relief.
Maureen: There’s half of my dream. Now I just need to have some quality time with Jason after the show.
The opening act starts promptly at 7. Let’s say that it’s HoneyHoney, since the author likes their music and thinks they’re funny. Maureen enjoys their music and their antics. While they're playing, Jason peeks out from backstage.
Jason: What the heck! Bryce, front and center!
Bryce: Uh-oh.
Jason: Get on the bus, young man, we need to have a talk!
They gather up Rick and join Ben on the bus.
Jason: Okay, why is she in the front row!?
Bryce: Jason, you’re not being reasonable. Sure, the writer gets us into some trouble, but we always survive in the end. Plus, we’ve had some really good times along the way.
Ben: Right, remember your friend Floyd, the Eskimo, from “And One to Grow On”. You never would have met him without our writer. And, sure, she killed off Ean, but she brought him back, too, in “Voodoo Daddies”.
Rick: So true. She introduced me to the joys of turkey ownership when Steve came into my life in “Why Did the Turkey Cross the Road”. Plus, we witnessed the miracle of childbirth in “Special Delivery.”
Bryce: Ooooh, don’t remind me, I feel queasy. Anyway, J, the point is that our lives would be pretty dull without the writer. My hands are still tingly from having to touch my ass so much in “The Photo Shoot”. I kind of like the feeling. Don’t her stories make you tingle, too?
Ben: Uh, and aren’t we all forgetting that they’re just stories. WE’RE real, but the people in the stories aren’t. You DO realize that, don’t you?
Jason: I’ve been such a fool! Let’s go out there and play our hearts out for OUR writer.
Lifehouse plays a kick-ass show with every song the writer would love to hear. It seems that they’re singing just to her. At the end of the show, Jason whispers something to Winnie before they leave the stage. Winnie comes over to Maureen.
Winnie: Jason wanted me to give you this stage booty and apologize for his past actions. (He gives Maureen 3 picks, a set of drumsticks, and all of the set lists)
Maureen: Will the guys be by the bus after the show?
Winnie: I really don’t know. They may have left already.
Maureen: I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.
Winnie: Yep, pretty much. (He walks back onstage to start teardown.)
Maureen: Hmm, I know they never come out right away after a show and the author is starting to worry that I haven’t been near a bathroom all day...
Author: Darned right!
Maureen: .....so I think I’ll head there right now.
She works her way over to the bathroom, fighting off other fans who are trying to grab her booty. Then she heads back outside The Venue and retrieves her things from the author’s car. Maureen heads over to the bus just in time to see the guys come out of the bus and start talking to the few fans gathered there. But wait! A frown starts to form on her face as she notices Jason’s absence.
Maureen: Dammit, author, this is my birthday story and I want Jason!
Author: Hold your horses, missy, I’m building suspense here!
Maureen: Sorry, I’ll talk to the others first.
Author: Yes, you will.
Maureen chats with the other guys. None of them seems to know when or if Jason will come out.
Bryce: I think he feels kind of sick still.
Maureen: Please take him this chicken soup I made while I was waiting in line this morning. It’s vitamin fortified.
Bryce takes the soup to the bus.
Ben: I think this cold weather is too much for his thin California blood.
Maureen: Please take him this sweater I knitted for him while I was waiting in line this morning. It’s very snuggly warm.
Ben takes the sweater to the bus.
Rick: I think he’s still a little scared of you, even though he says he isn’t.
Maureen: Please tell him I’m siccing Meesh’s Mom on him if he doesn’t come out and see me!
Rick: Oh, crap, she’ll start showing me her t-shirts again. I have a better plan.
Rick takes Maureen to the bus.
Maureen has a lovely time on the bus. She asks all of the questions she wants and receives deep, thoughtful answers. She hears a couple of songs played acoustically. She enjoys chicken soup and burgers. She beats the pants off the guys at Guitar Hero III. Finally, it’s time for the bus to go. Lifehouse takes Maureen to her apartment, hugs are given and received, then they wave goodbye. It was the best birthday present ever. Maureen goes to bed and dreams of her next Lifehouse concert.
The End
Happy Birthday, Maureen, I hope that you have a great day!
Scene 1: A tour bus speeds through the darkened countryside. A chorus of musical snores fills the air.
Scene 2: A cold, misty morning, just before dawn, in Philadelphia. We pan by a row of apartments, then zoom in through a window.
Voice: Eeeeeeeeeeek, I’m calling the cops!
Scene 2 (revisited): We zoom back out to the street and pan on to the apartment next door. We peek carefully through the window first, THEN zoom in. A girl is sleeping in the bed. The tousled covers make it clear that she’s had a restless night. A shrill alarm fills the air.
Maureen: (whacks alarm) Oh, I slept so horribly last night. I kept dreaming about all of the things that could go wrong today. Lifehouse scheduled a last-minute show at The Venue on my birthday and all I can think about is my jinx. The Venue is only a block from my apartment and the show was scheduled so recently that there shouldn’t be radio winners, plus it seems that Jason is feeling better, but I can’t help thinking that something will go wrong and I will once again be denied my spot in the front row and chance to talk with Jason.
Author: Sorry for making you say all of that first thing in the morning, but I need to set the stage quickly.
Maureen: S’okay.
The birthday girl gets ready for her long wait in line. She gathers a warm blanket, a snack, and some activities to pass the time. As dawn breaks, we see her closing the door to her apartment.
Scene 3: Philadelphia street scene. Maureen closes the door to her apartment building and walks down the street to The Venue. The sidewalk in front of the south-facing building (a good thing on a cold day) looks freshly washed and Maureen settles in.
Maureen: Thanks, author, it’s nice to sit on a vomit-free sidewalk.
Author: You’re welcome, I’m setting a “good day” mood here.
Maureen: Great! Unless, of course, this is just a plot device to make a bigger contrast wtih the devastation to come.
Author: Would I do that!?
Maureen frowns, but knows that the author wouldn’t give her a bad story on her birthday, and the smile returns to her face. She spreads out her blanket and starts working on her mysterious line-waiting activities. Time speeds by as we see the sun rising higher in the beautiful, blue sky.
Maureen (yawning): Ohhh, it’s 11 already and nobody else is here. The sun feels so warm and nice; I think I’ll take a nap.
She wraps herself in her blanket and settles down on the sidewalk, then quickly falls asleep.
Scene 4: Interior of the tour bus from Scene 1. Approximately 11:30 am. The bus is pulling up to The Venue. Jason is sitting at the table in the back of the bus. He’s secretly trying to master Guitar Hero III, so he can be the winner at SOMETHING. He glances up and out of the window.
Jason: Oh, no!
He runs to the nearest door and flings it open.
Rick: Dang it, Jason, the lock doesn’t work!
Jason: (closes door quickly, then says quietly) I didn’t see anything. I didn’t see anything. I didn’t see anything.
Ben wanders down the hall.
Ben: I thought the bathroom lock didn’t work on our last bus, not this one.
Jason: That WAS the old bus, but apparently it’s a chronic tour bus problem.
Rick exits bathroom.
Rick: What was so important you had to disturb me in the reading room?
Jason: I saw the writer! She’s sleeping outside The Venue and she’s first in line! Do we have a radio meet and greet scheduled?
Rick: No, this show was a last minute gig, so we didn’t have time to get anything set up.
Jason: Get Bryce, he’ll know somebody who can fix this!
Bryce has heard all of the commotion and stumbles down the hall.
Bryce: Unhh.
Jason: The writer is outside The Venue and she’s the only one there and there aren’t any meet and greets scheduled. How can we keep her out of front row!?
Bryce: Uhhh, uhn, grr, hmm.
Ben: I agree with Bryce and his authentic rocker gibberish. What do you have against the writer? She’s a great hugger.
Jason: What!! A few hugs don’t make up for the hell she’s put me through over the years. Are you forgetting the bus crash in “Dude, Where’s Our Gig?” It took forever to replace the crew after that one. Then she turned us into walking brainless muppet dolls in “Revenge of the Chucks.”
Rick: Oh, man, that was scary. My butterfly saved me, though!
Jason: Riggght. Then the evil monkey minions forced us to play polka tunes in “Writer’s Block.” I still have a rash from that polyester suit. She forced my cousin to kill Ean in “Trick or Treat” and now my aunt won’t speak to me.
Ben: We HAD to hit your cousin with the car. He was after us! Besides, she isn’t your favorite aunt.
Jason: We spent Christmas at the police station with a crazy Santa and some scary biker dudes in “The Night Santa Went Crazy.”
Bryce: Hey, those biker dudes weren’t too scary. I’m pen pals with a couple of them now and they convinced me to buy a bike. We’re gonna ride together when they get out of jail.
Jason: The worst was when I had to work as J-Dizzle. She had me wearing boxers and everyone knows I go commando!
Rick: Fo shizzle, bro.
Jason: So you can see that she’s bad news. I’m not getting off the bus until something is done. (stamps his foot and pouts)
Rick: You have to eat or you’ll get sick again. I’ll make burgers.
Ben: How can you make burgers on a tour bus? We don’t have a kitchen.
Rick: Hey, I brought my George Foreman grill for emergencies and this definitely qualifies!
Bryce: I’ll start calling my contacts to set up a big meet and greet. If you still decide you can’t get off the bus, I could always fill in for you tonight. The fans like me, you know.
Ben: The fans like ALL of us, in a group. We need to solve this problem. I’m going to do a little thinking, while you all run around. Now, everybody get started!
The scene fades out on a flurry of activity.
Act II
Scene 1: Back at the front of the venue. It’s now 5:30 and Maureen is waking up. While she was sleeping a large line formed behind her.
Maureen: Oh no, what am I going to do with my blanket and other stuff? I can’t go back home now without losing my place in line.
Author: I’m parked right in front of The Venue, you can put your things in my car.
Maureen: Good thing you were here.
Author: Umm, I have to be here to write the story.
Maureen: Oh, right. (Turns to next person in line) You haven’t seen any trace of radio meet and greeters have you?
Next Person In Line: No. (Extras are paid by the word, so they don’t get to say much.)
Maureen: Doors are at 6, so I think we’re going to be fine.
Just then a van screeches to a halt in front of The Venue. It’s a radio station van! The doors open and people start to pour out, just like one of those little clown cars, only not so scary. They all have VIP meet and greet passes around their necks. Tears begin to stream down Maureen’s cheeks. Are they tears of anger or tears of sadness?
Scene 2: Inside of The Venue, looking out.
Bryce: Hey, my phone call worked. Now Jase can come out of the bus, dang it. I mean, YAY.
Ben: But look at the writer. She’s so sad.
Bryce: Wow, she is sad. I feel like such a heel. I’m going to fix this.
Bryce grabs an extra meet and greet pass from the radio man, puts on a disguise, and heads toward the door.
Scene 3: Back out front and then back inside and then on the bus and then back inside - the author is tired of making up scenes
Bryce has disguised himself as a homeless person. He shuffles along the line, asking for spare change. When he reaches the head of the line -
Bryce: Can you spare some change for a beer?
Maureen: Even though I’m currently drowning in despair, I’ll give you a dollar, because that’s the swell kind of person I am.
Bryce: Wow, I’m glad I’m taking this chance, even though I’ll get fired if he finds out.
Maureen: What?
Bryce: Never mind, just take this pass. May it serve you well.
Maureen: Huh?
Bryce heads back into The Venue to buy himself some beer with the $7.28 he collected from the fans waiting in line.
Ben: Whoa, guess you’ll be okay when Jason fires you for sabotaging his plan.
Bryce: Yeah, if you’ve got your beer, you’ve got everything. Hey, here come the meet and greeters. Put on your happy, interested face!
Ben: Hey, I don’t have to put on ANY faces. I get to go hang in the bus until show time. Have fun! (Chuckles to himself as he walks away) It’s not all bad not being an official member of the band.
The radio meet and greeters start entering The Venue. Maureen decides she doesn’t want to take any chances and heads straight for the barricade, bypassing the autograph line. Lifehouse chats and signs, signs and smiles, smiles and chats. The rest of the meet and greeters head over to line the barricade, but Maureen is first and has exactly the spot she wants! She smiles in relief.
Maureen: There’s half of my dream. Now I just need to have some quality time with Jason after the show.
The opening act starts promptly at 7. Let’s say that it’s HoneyHoney, since the author likes their music and thinks they’re funny. Maureen enjoys their music and their antics. While they're playing, Jason peeks out from backstage.
Jason: What the heck! Bryce, front and center!
Bryce: Uh-oh.
Jason: Get on the bus, young man, we need to have a talk!
They gather up Rick and join Ben on the bus.
Jason: Okay, why is she in the front row!?
Bryce: Jason, you’re not being reasonable. Sure, the writer gets us into some trouble, but we always survive in the end. Plus, we’ve had some really good times along the way.
Ben: Right, remember your friend Floyd, the Eskimo, from “And One to Grow On”. You never would have met him without our writer. And, sure, she killed off Ean, but she brought him back, too, in “Voodoo Daddies”.
Rick: So true. She introduced me to the joys of turkey ownership when Steve came into my life in “Why Did the Turkey Cross the Road”. Plus, we witnessed the miracle of childbirth in “Special Delivery.”
Bryce: Ooooh, don’t remind me, I feel queasy. Anyway, J, the point is that our lives would be pretty dull without the writer. My hands are still tingly from having to touch my ass so much in “The Photo Shoot”. I kind of like the feeling. Don’t her stories make you tingle, too?
Ben: Uh, and aren’t we all forgetting that they’re just stories. WE’RE real, but the people in the stories aren’t. You DO realize that, don’t you?
Jason: I’ve been such a fool! Let’s go out there and play our hearts out for OUR writer.
Lifehouse plays a kick-ass show with every song the writer would love to hear. It seems that they’re singing just to her. At the end of the show, Jason whispers something to Winnie before they leave the stage. Winnie comes over to Maureen.
Winnie: Jason wanted me to give you this stage booty and apologize for his past actions. (He gives Maureen 3 picks, a set of drumsticks, and all of the set lists)
Maureen: Will the guys be by the bus after the show?
Winnie: I really don’t know. They may have left already.
Maureen: I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.
Winnie: Yep, pretty much. (He walks back onstage to start teardown.)
Maureen: Hmm, I know they never come out right away after a show and the author is starting to worry that I haven’t been near a bathroom all day...
Author: Darned right!
Maureen: .....so I think I’ll head there right now.
She works her way over to the bathroom, fighting off other fans who are trying to grab her booty. Then she heads back outside The Venue and retrieves her things from the author’s car. Maureen heads over to the bus just in time to see the guys come out of the bus and start talking to the few fans gathered there. But wait! A frown starts to form on her face as she notices Jason’s absence.
Maureen: Dammit, author, this is my birthday story and I want Jason!
Author: Hold your horses, missy, I’m building suspense here!
Maureen: Sorry, I’ll talk to the others first.
Author: Yes, you will.
Maureen chats with the other guys. None of them seems to know when or if Jason will come out.
Bryce: I think he feels kind of sick still.
Maureen: Please take him this chicken soup I made while I was waiting in line this morning. It’s vitamin fortified.
Bryce takes the soup to the bus.
Ben: I think this cold weather is too much for his thin California blood.
Maureen: Please take him this sweater I knitted for him while I was waiting in line this morning. It’s very snuggly warm.
Ben takes the sweater to the bus.
Rick: I think he’s still a little scared of you, even though he says he isn’t.
Maureen: Please tell him I’m siccing Meesh’s Mom on him if he doesn’t come out and see me!
Rick: Oh, crap, she’ll start showing me her t-shirts again. I have a better plan.
Rick takes Maureen to the bus.
Maureen has a lovely time on the bus. She asks all of the questions she wants and receives deep, thoughtful answers. She hears a couple of songs played acoustically. She enjoys chicken soup and burgers. She beats the pants off the guys at Guitar Hero III. Finally, it’s time for the bus to go. Lifehouse takes Maureen to her apartment, hugs are given and received, then they wave goodbye. It was the best birthday present ever. Maureen goes to bed and dreams of her next Lifehouse concert.
The End
Happy Birthday, Maureen, I hope that you have a great day!
. I'd also like to know if anybody has an HD copy of Lifehouse at Pinkpop 2003. BY far their best concert ever